We're In Purgatory.

Didn't think anyone would help me... Stupid of me to have expected help on here. Life blows.

Wed, 26 Dec 2012 16:36:18 -0500

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Wed, 26 Dec 2012 16:35:00 -0500

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Wed, 26 Dec 2012 16:34:44 -0500

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Wed, 26 Dec 2012 16:34:23 -0500

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Wed, 26 Dec 2012 16:33:42 -0500

You're pretty fuckin' awesome \m/ :p

Wed, 26 Dec 2012 16:30:48 -0500

Awwh thank you ><

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Wed, 26 Dec 2012 16:30:03 -0500

I need help; I'm desperate.

Wed, 26 Dec 2012 16:26:47 -0500

I thought my life was finally getting back on track. I found a boy whom I fell in love with and spend every weekend with, my mum’s tumour had stopped growing and my brother’s illness was under control.

Yet, it’s the boy I fell in love with who’s the problem. Well, a problem. He changed.

When I first met him, he was so caring and kind. He text me asking to come over to see me and we’d sit and chat and have a laugh. He asked me out and our relationship was lovely. He wasn’t afraid to show me off to his parents or friends. When he was skint at Christmas, he borrowed money off his mum to buy me an expensive present.

We broke up a few months later after he claimed he lost feelings for me. I was devastated but we remained friends. I fell out with his best friend and he admitted he still had feelings for me but we couldn’t get back together because his best friend wouldn’t like it. So we started seeing each other behind their backs.

He changed though. He lost two hobs due to him being lazy and not bothering to turn up to shifts. He always told me to buy weed for him and if I was skint, he’d mindfuck me into asking money off my nan and if she didn’t have money then I’d have to get an online loan because if he didn’t get his weed fix, he’d be horrible.

Even if I do give him what he wants, I still get called ugly and fat. He laughs about it, saying he’s only saying it to toughen me up but he takes it too far and it hurts my feelings.

He’s too lazy to get out of bed. I cook for him all the time whilst he stays on his laptop playing computer games. The only time he leaves my bed is for weed or for the toilet.

When his 18th birthday approached, I was incredibly skint yet I begged my mum to lend me money to buy him the present he wanted which was a Pokemon DS game. I also got him a card. Yet when my birthday arrived a few days later, he had spent all his birthday money on alcohol and weed so he didn’t have a penny to buy me a present, let alone a card. And he didn’t care, he just shrugged it off like it wasn’t important. All I’d asked from him was a new silver chain as he broke the chain off my locket which was sentimental. It wasn’t too much to ask, was it?

A couple of months later, he told me he couldn’t Skype me when he was at his best friend’s house because he doesn’t like me and doesn’t like him being in contact with me.

I’d invite him over for family parties and all he wanted to do was get high or avoid them in my bedroom. I felt embarrassed but I was in love with him. He told me everyday that he loved me and I believed every word.

He struggled to find a new job so I signed him up for job seeker’s allowance and he never turned up to any of his appointments as he couldn’t be bothered getting out of bed.

My friends hated him, told me he was using me day after day. But I was too blind to see it. I didn’t want to believe that the boy I had practically been with a year was using me. I lost all of my friends. I only had him.

My family invited him over on Boxing day this year but he told me he couldn’t come because he was going to his Nan’s. He then said his Nan had cancelled on him. I told him to come over and he said he couldn’t be bothered, despite the fact I was willing to pay for a taxi for him to come over rather than wait for buses. He’d rather stay at his best friend’s, getting high and playing games. He turned off his phone to avoid talking to me as I said I was hurt.

I bought him Black Ops 2 for Christmas and he gave me about £8 for a new chain because he couldn’t be bothered to go to town to chose one out for me.

I’m devastated that he’s treating me like this after all I’ve done for him but I can’t let him go because I love him and without him, I’m alone.

Mum spoke to me today after hearing what he had done. She told me what the whole family thought of him and said that he’s using me and I need to tell him to go away because he’s ruining my life. I know she’s right, I don’t want her to be, but she is.

He never used to be like this so I guess I’m holding onto hope that he’ll change back to the caring and loving boy I met last year.

So that brings me to know. I don’t know what to do. I know it’s making my depression worse by staying with him, especially when he hurts me but I love him so much it hurts to even think about leaving him.

My family are telling me to grow up and leave him, saying they don’t like him.

I don’t want to be alone. I have no friends to confide in, no matter how hard I try to make friends.

Thus, for the first time in months, I feel like my only way out is suicide. I won’t feel pain anymore, I won’t have to try and make people happy and I won’t have to worry about living my life without him. I know I’m only eighteen, but I’ve never felt this way about anyone and I’ve had my fair share of relationships. I feel like I’m torn between him and my family as well as my own happiness. When I’m with him, he makes me happy and I feel lost without him. Everyone has their flaws and I think he may be going through a tough couple of months.

I’m so depressed right now, that’s why I’m crying out for help. I know it probably sounds all pathetic and that but if you’d have walked in my shoes for a year with him and noticed the difference, maybe you’ll see things in a different perspective and understand why I’m holding onto hope.

I’m at breaking point. I feel unwanted and unloved. I just don’t know if life is worth hanging onto anymore or just ending it completely.

trust—me-e: R.I.P Mitch Lucker

Fri, 02 Nov 2012 18:55:58 -0400

trust—me-e:

R.I.P Mitch Lucker

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Thu, 01 Nov 2012 18:42:01 -0400

Hey, I know we've pretty much never talked (Either on FB or here) but I just want you to know, If ever you need a friend, Someone you can chat to about your problems, Things that are weighing you down, Even just the little things that irritate you, I'm here, I see your posts on FB and here and I see the cr*p you go through and I just want you to smile, Let the world see the smile that rarely comes out (Or so it seems) But yeah, Always a friend here if ever you need someone, Keep cheerful hun!

Thu, 01 Nov 2012 18:37:24 -0400

Awwh thank you! This means so much, you don’t understand. Inbox me on Facebook when you’re next online :) x

I don't know what to do anymore.

Thu, 01 Nov 2012 18:35:18 -0400

My family and friends seem to have given up on me. I’m struggling to fight this depression and they don’t understand. They have a go at me and belittle me and act as if they don’t want me around.

I want to move out. Get my own place so I don’t have to be a burden to my family anymore. But I can’t afford it. I’m only working part-time.

Dark thoughts are filling my head… I just think everyone will be better off if I weren’t around anymore; to fall asleep and never wake up.

weallcraveattention: u ok cat?

Tue, 23 Oct 2012 19:03:03 -0400

weallcraveattention:

u ok cat?

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Tue, 23 Oct 2012 19:02:30 -0400

o-dyssea: love this!

Tue, 23 Oct 2012 18:58:56 -0400

o-dyssea:

love this!

I could really do with a friend...

Tue, 23 Oct 2012 18:54:55 -0400

The past few months I’ve lost pretty much nearly all of my friends by them showing me their true colours.

One friend stole £30 off me for cannabis… One kicked off because I was ill and didn’t want to go into town early, resulting in them telling me that I should go and kill myself. Other friends seemed to have drifted off… I don’t understand why either considering I’ve always been there for them and I guess, over time, I just don’t know what to say. I get shy again like I am at the beginning of every friendship.

I just miss having someone to talk to. Someone to text me all the time, leave me nice wall posts on Facebook and asks on Tumblr. Someone to have heart to hearts with, who’s there for me when I’m always there for them etc…

My Christmas wish this year? A best friend.

the5leafclover: ahhh amazing!

Sun, 07 Oct 2012 15:25:46 -0400

the5leafclover:

ahhh amazing!

the5leafclover: thanks Mr Bear

Sun, 07 Oct 2012 15:19:16 -0400

the5leafclover:

thanks Mr Bear

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Sun, 07 Oct 2012 15:18:21 -0400

When I say 'hang out' I really mean, "smoke weed and have sex together".

Sun, 07 Oct 2012 15:16:27 -0400